Tuesday 14 January 2014

A Confession From Your Blogger

Personal Pickings is a feature here at Beautiful Bookish Butterflies that allows one of us to approach subject personal to us that has no link or connection to our bookish endeavors. Today, Amanda is confessing something quite personal to her and advises that people whom are sensitive to mental illness issues to not continue reading this post.

I suffer from a number of things:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Anger Issues
  • Lack of Confidence
  • Loneliness
-and sometimes, the void I find myself in due to these things puts a dampener on the things I enjoy, like blogging, and this where I feel you guys should know a few things, because there'll be times when I'm not blogging, or reading, or I'll just become a lot less cheerful than usual, but these are just things I can't really control; for this, I'm sorry.

  1. I Care For My Mum: This isn't in the professional sense, but my Mum lost her memory years before I was born, and because of this, she struggles to remember some of the simple things in life, like putting the oven on, or switching it off, or writing a list, and then forgetting the take the list. As can be expected, I've never known any different to this, and people call me brave and strong for living with this cloud over my Mum and I, but in truth, I don't feel strong at all. It's quite difficult to talk to the person you trust the most, about something she can't change. It's demanding. It's stressful. It complicates a lot of my emotions, and that's hard to live with.
  2. I Have Self-Harmed.. I Also Relapse: Much like other addictions, you don't stop being an addict after you've stopped whatever your addicted to. You are forever an addict, and it's difficult to stay, lets call it sober. It's really difficult. When it comes to myself, I feel a lot of emotional pain, and when I harm, it takes away that emotional pain and makes it physical, and personally, I can deal with a physical pain better. Because I can't talk to my Mum about how confused and emotional I get, I sometimes let it build up inside me, and that's when I relapse. My friends always ask me to promise not to do it again, and because I feel I have to, I promise. It's hurts knowing I could hurt them by breaking it, because I know I will.
  3. I Can't Have Children Of My Own: This is probably one of the things that's big in my life right now, because a lot of people I know, friends included, are either parents or are becoming parents, and I'm not. I don't mean that in a 'I want a baby' type attitude, just sometimes, it'd be nice to have the option, to have the chance, to not be reminded every time you see a child that you'll never know the personal attachments that form when you have that baby. I've known since I was 8, but it's still a very difficult thing to come to terms with.
I could list a few more, but I feel I'd either drive people away or break down into tears, so I shan't, and in no way is this something I'm doing for sympathy, because I don't want that. In some ways, I'm following my own advice and doing this blog for me, and that means if I need to talk about my feelings, I am allowed, it's my blog after all, but also, because I feel those are things you should know if you're going to become regular visitors, or become friends with me.

If you think you may be suffering from depression, anxiety, anger issues or anything else, don't forget, there are people who can help. I have had therapy over the phone with a lovely lady; Kirsty, and she helped me through a lot last year, so much so, I'm going to try and contact her again in order to help myself once again. There are always people you can call, or people you can talk to, and I even mean myself; you can always talk to me, or drop me an email which you can find on my policy page and I'll listen and help the best I can.

If you feel you're suffering from depression, I suggest talking to your GP first, that's what I did. The same goes for anxiety and anger troubles and confidence issues. If you ever contemplate harming or suicide, please use the link to find the suicide hotline number closest to you. Suicide Hotlines
If you've stayed this long, thank you, and if I've made you uncomfortable, I apologise.
Tomorrows post will be much more positive and book related.


  1. Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry :( I understand how hard it is to look after a loved one. About 8 years ago, my grandma started showing signs up dementia, which led to Alzheimer's. Since then I've taken it upon myself to take care of her. On my days off from high school I would come to my grandparent's house to look after her while my grandpa ran errands or slept. And after he passed away two years ago, I've become one of the main caregivers for my grandma. She can no longer walk or talk after her stroke last November on my birthday, and she can't chew food either. So every weekend I come to help my aunt look after her, and I'm her sole caregiver for the next five weeks while her nurse is on vacation. It's so hard seeing someone you love suffer and you truly are incredibly strong to be able to handle it all. If you ever need to talk, please know that I'm here to listen -- whether it be via email, twitter or Facebook, I want to help you. <3

    1. Aww, I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma, and sorry for the news of losing your Grandpa as well, it must have been incredibly hard and such a difficult time, I complete understand how physically and emotionally difficult it is. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for the offer; the same goes for me too, I'm always here to talk to. ♥

  2. You've not made anyone uncomfortable, Amanda. Never think talking about yourself, and real problems, will make someone uncomfortable. And if it does, then he/she must be a truly happy person that can't relate to a single thing you wrote.
    I know you said you don't write this to get sympathy - and maybe you don't even want it - but I'm going to give it to you anyways. I am so, so sorry for everything you've went to. I think it's so much more than a person should ever have to deal with, especially from such a young age. I wish you didn't need to go through all this.
    Personally, I have depression and anxiety. I have never went to diagnose it, though for a while I had therapy for a completely unrelated issue and that helped. But something in me always said "it's nothing major, I need to grow stronger, it's my weakness that causes this", and so I always kind of brushed it aside. It's only recently that I started thinking maybe I DO need help, because it's been getting worse. Your post makes me think of it even more.

    I think it probably took a lot of self convincing to write this post - not because you didn't want to, but because when writing such personal stuff I know I myself stop to think "will I drive people away? Will they be angry I'm using my book blog for it? Will anyone ever read it?" and it's difficult to disregards those. So I think it's really brave to do this - even though you don't think yourself that you're brave - and I want to personally thank you for doing it. You're right, I feel like I know you, the voice of this blog, so much better now.

    I hope you do help yourself, Amanda, as I shall endeavor to do to myself.

    Lots of love <3

    1. Thank you so much for those words, they mean a lot to me. It was quite difficult to write this, I know I probably cried twice and struggled to find the right words throughout, and even when I published it, I was quite nervous, but once I'd let it go out to the world, I realised it was something I had really needed to do; it's quite calming and relieving to have that weight lifted for some time.
      There's no shame in asking for help and support, after all, that's what the services are there for, and there's lots of different help available for different issues. I'm here to support you, if you want the support, when and if you call out for a helping hand.
      Thank you for stopping by and reading it, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not holding any secrets from you :) <3

  3. Oh, Amanda! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. It would be surprising if you didn't get depressed. I have dealt with depression, but I don't think I had it on the same level as you do, but I can understand the anger and apathy that comes along with it. It's a relief to hear you are talking to people and getting help, and I just would like to say, hang in there! I hope you get help with your mother's care as well, because that will drag you down if you don't. Books can be a lovely escape, and I hope the outlet of the blog helps as well. Take care, and best wishes!

    1. Thank you Rachel, that means a lot to me. Books are my escape and this blog is a helping hand to that, so I would hate to stop blogging; it's one of my biggest forms of happiness :)

  4. couldn't read this and not post, I suffer with Anxiety, anger Issues, lack of confidence and depression from time to time. I know how hard it is and how sometimes it seems like telling someone may seem like its an excuse to just be in a mood, some people don't understand.

    I cant imagine caring for a family member let alone my mum, and I know you say you aren't brave or strong but you are, I can not begin to understand how it must feel to be you and I feel very sorry for you, I'm not sure what to say because I don't have any experience with it and I know I'll sound silly for saying it because it doesn't help anything but all I want to do is give you a big hug.

    Having never self harmed, I yet again have no experience with it and cant say much, but I do know that when most people hear that they think people are doing it for attention, they don't bother to ask questions before judging that person. So I'm sorry again that you feel like that's a way to let your pain out.

    part of me doesn't want to say how sorry I feel for you over not being able to have kids because as you probably know, I have a little girl. The worst thing about this country is too many people are having kids that don't know how to look after them or cant be bothered, and to not be able to have them while others just have them willy nilly without thought must be hard. I have a few people in my family who either cant have kids or have spent 10+ years trying with many heartbreak, so I've been around them to know. I just have never been there myself and I'm lost for words for you.

    Thank you so much for being honest about your problems, I liked you before but now I have so much respect for you . You are one hell of a young lady Amanda, don't let anyone EVER tell you any different.

    1. Thank you so much Stacie, it means a lot to me that you think that :)
      I have to say, things are looking up now, with both myself and my Mum, we're getting much needed help.
      I completely agree, there's too many people having children and not taking responsibility and looking after them, however, I've very pleased to say the people I know and am friends with really do care about their children, so it makes things better.
      It's odd to look back at this and know that while it's all still huge in my life, things are getting better, and it means a lot to me.

    2. Well I'm very happy that things are look up for you, seems like you could do with a but of happiness and for things to be simple :)
      I am thankful that most of the people I know do take care of their children too, I couldn't stand it if they didn't.

      You are very welcome :)


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