Saturday 26 July 2014

Personal Pickings - Amanda's Life With Depression

Personal Pickings is a feature here at Beautiful Bookish Butterflies that allows one of us to approach subject personal to us that has no link or connection to our bookish endeavors. Today, Amanda is talking about are personal battle with depression, how it's affected her life on the whole, her deepest, darkest moments and what keeps me going.


It's not a known fact to people who visit me regularly that I have and suffer from a few 'issues' - depression, anxiety, a lack of confidence, severe stress and lack the ability to have children of my own, but out of all of those issues that I have, depression is the one that affects my life the most. I realised after a long think, another blog post and a few extracts I found littering my laptop that I've never really spoken about my depression, I've spoken in passing that I suffer from it and the other issues I've already stated, but I've never gone into in much detail and I had never considered doing it, until I read both Asti's and Kelley's experience's at Oh! the Books and admired just how much strength and faith in their viewers it took to talk about such a sensitive subject. I, like them, have faith in my readers and feel that it's about time you found out more about what the girl behind the blog is like and my experiences with depression. This will both be a difficult post to write and a difficult post to read, so please, do not feel pressured.

To some people, depression is a cloud that hangs above them darkening everything light and positive they do. To others, it's a feeling within them that they just aren't good enough. To me, depression was another person, another me within me. She had the power to switch my life upside down, to take a positive and slam the negatives in front of me, we were the same person, but were ying and yang, light and dark, obsession and depression. Because my depression was a person, I named her Debra, I don't particularly like the name, but in the past, I didn't like to think of her as me, it may have been a self-preservation thing, it may have been a denial thing, but either way, the name and feeling stuck, and I shared every aspect of my life with Debra. She had access to my memories, my feelings, my attitude and my mood, but worst of all, she had access to my thoughts, and it's there where she created the most damage.

I have been through a few extremely tough moments in my life, and I'm almost tempted to compare them to that of Asti and Kelley, mention how in comparison, my problems weren't and aren't as bad as there's, but I've learnt that you cannot compare other peoples problems and deny their level of struggle through a chart. Some things affect people more than others, some people are stronger than others, and some lack any strength at all, and that's where I'm going next. In these tough moments, I've had a few - I guess you could call them breakdowns, but to me, I'd relinquished control over myself and allowed Debra to take over. She still did everything I did, she went to college, and made small talk, in fact, she even had my sarcasm, but she planted negativity into my mind, into everything I did and I felt weaker and weaker, like there's no way out of the hole she was digging for me, like I was drowning, like I was a candle that's been burning small and bright, positively lighting up those around me, that now has grown wild and out of control, raging and burning hotter and more intensely and there's no way to stop the flame without putting it out. The most recent of these 'breakdowns' started in November and took me through to Febuary and resulted in what I remember as being one of the most stressful and horrible Christmas's I've ever had in my life. I adore Christmas, it's one of my most favourite times of the year, but last year, I felt the complete opposite. I wasn't attending college, I was failing my classes, I constantly, obsessively read through my entire collection of books, because it was the only thing that kept me from feeling all the negativity Debra had been surrounding me with. This brings me to something I wrote on my computer during this time. I don't remember writing it, in fact, I'd almost deny that is was me, if it wasn't for the fact that feelings I get when I reread it, are the exact same feelings I've experienced before in my darkest moments. To realise the seriousness of this moment, I've included it in this post. You may find the following upsetting..

For the first time in over 3 years, I just felt like I couldn't handle everything anymore. Over one stupid thing, fucking paint. Really, paint. It wasn't even an important thing to argue over, but as was usual lately, Mum was in tears and I so angry, I wanted to smash up our entire dish collection. It's so hard living with her these days. She's just so angry at me and all she can do is see it from her point of view, and she has no idea how hard it is for me. I have to be with her, everyday. I have to remind her of so many things, I've forgotten what it's like to be a child anymore. I'm just full of anger and stress and she says she's capable, but she isn't, she just isn't anymore. When I was younger it was funny, but it's just hard now, I can't laugh anymore, it just isn't funny. I'm left crying a lot of the time these days. For the first time in years, I felt like the only option was the knife. I used to use hairclips, and to be fair to myself, I probably would have again, today, now, just then, but I couldn't find one. I'm too scared to use a knife, I know how hard to use a hairclip. I remember, I know how easy it was to scratch it across my wrist, and how, granted, it hurt, how I just felt I had a reason to cry, a reason to feel pain, and it blocked everything out in that moment. Even touching them afterwards hurt, but it worked, I could hide behind that feeling of pain rather than go through everything I used to be going through. And life's so much harder now, and I had been good for ages, I hadn't thought about it again, until today, before. It's just too hard..

I am what you may call a master of disguise. At this moment in my life, I was blogging, I was putting out content for you all, reviews, discussions, fun, quirky quizzes, but behind the screen, things weren't at all that easy, nor happy. You'll be glad to know I didn't follow through with what the previous passage said, in fact, I would almost be tempted to deny that girl is even me, but I have scars from incidents older than that, and I carry them around with me for the rest of my life, as a reminder of her, the girl in that passage, the girl who felt so lost and so alone, who felt like she had no other option but to cause herself pain.

By the end of Febuary, things were looking up. I fell into blogging, reading and reviewing for fun, rather than escape. I still wasn't going to college all that often, but I was studying from home, learning what I could, both on my college work and not. I started to talk to other bloggers more regularly, talking to them about more than books, confiding in them, sharing each others stories and our current happenings. I confided in my friends, who found and still do find it difficult knowing that I am a loose cannon, but they supported me. I talked more about how out of control and overwhelmed I felt with Mum, which was possibly the most difficult and most emotionally draining thing I've done - it's pretty difficult confiding in someone when that someone is one of the reasons you're feeling how you are, definitely not something you'd like to do too often - but I gained more confidence, more faith and most of all, I started to feel happy again. I was still stressed out, home life hadn't changed, I was still worrying over the little details that really, nobody normal should worry about, but I was enjoying what I do everyday, the company of the people I was with, the people I surrounded myself with, it all become more positive, and slowly, I realised that by giving my depression a name, I'd given it too much strength. I'd been denying that is was me who was struggling and with time, I accepted that depression wasn't another person, it wasn't even me, it something I had, the same has having two feet or brown hair or divorced parents, it was something that was in my life, but didn't have to dictate it.

What made me write this post now? I've been feeling the pull of negativity once again, far from the extent I mentioned earlier, but the tugs of doubt, of - feeling like I'm losing my strength. I can feel myself putting on a act around some people, pretending I'm feeling one thing when in fact, I'm feeling another. Even though, deep down, I may be that girl, lost, confused, angry and sad all at the same time, I'm not that girl today. Today, I still have strength. Today, I have people who will support me when I turn to them, people I can confide in. Today, I don't look at a hairclip and see a weapon, but merely something to clip my annoying, oddly lengthed fridge back into place. Today I look the scars I have, and remember how those moments felt and know that I don't want anymore of them. No more moments, no more scars, no more weakness. Today, I decide that tomorrow I will feel the same, and the next day, and the day after, because depression isn't something that goes away, but something you continue to battle, every day of your life. Some days are good, some days, not so good, but everyday, you fight to make sure you have a tomorrow. Everyday, I fight to make sure I sure I have a happier tomorrow.

Unlike most discussions, this isn't the kind that you leave a question at the end of, however, should you ever feel anything close to what you may have just read, there are people who can support you should you not wish to turn to friends or family. Remember, depression is a illness, but you should never let it define you as a person, nor make the rules or decisions. You are more than depression.

18 comments:

  1. You're so strong, Amanda, and I really admire you for your bravery and openness in writing this post - I just wish I could think of the right words to say what I want to say, but alas I am unable to. I've gone through similar situations in the past, and I truly do understand how hard this would've been to write - you really are an amazing and admirable young lady. <3

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    1. Thank you Ebony, it's lovely to know that I can talk more publicly about it and people will understand :)

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  2. Aw Amanda, it touches me when I see that others have been moved to share their story after reading Kelley's and my posts. It can be hard to talk about, not only because you're sharing it with the world but because it forces you to look at yourself and admit you have a problem. And you know, you're definitely right in there when you say that even if your depression wasn't the same as ours, it doesn't mean that yours was any less serious or bad. Depression is not something you can really compare. Everyone has different situations, triggers, reactions. So yes, don't feel like yours is any better or that you have less reason to feel the way you do. It happens to all of us. And I'm definitely relating to that last bit, I'm feeling quite bad myself lately. It's just a constant struggle, which is one of the worse things about depression. You can have good days but there's always the bad days, and you sort of have to learn to cope. I'm not as good with coping as I want to be, and it can be quite the struggle, but I keep pushing forward. I know you can do the same. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email! <3

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    1. I guess the problem is that it is always a battle and no matter how well you've done so far, there's still more to do and that can be the most difficult part, accepting that it's not going to go away with time.. Thank you though Asti, it means a lot :)

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  3. *hugs* Oh, you are so amazing and brave and amazing for sharing this. And...and I leave crappy comments when I actually want to say something meaningful, but seriously...I just wanna hug you and say YOU ARE WONDERFUL and feed you cake. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on my blog (I think my blog is often an escape for me...just a place to be free and creative, really) but I have depression too. I actually have several health issues that are hard to explain, but they basically lead to depression. I know this sounds warped, but it IS encouraging to know when other people go through what you have. And ever since I read Asti and Kelley's posts at Oh The Books I've seen a LOT more bloggers opening up about it. And it's encouraging! Being personal can be hard on the internet (I'm too chicken to be). ANYWAY. Long rambly comment that accomplished nothing but...THIS WAS ENCOURAGING.

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    1. It's not that warped Cait, I feel exactly the same and I think that's why I felt confident to come forward and speak out about it, knowing that people are as supportive as they are and won't criticise me for something out of my control is really heart-warming, knowing there's others out there with the same struggles is almost a positive re-enforcement to keep fighting. Thank you though Cait, cake and hugs is always a wonderful thing! :)

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  4. You've written an amazing piece and I share your pain, I suffer with depression too for a number of reasons that I won't share here ( I was terribly ill about 12 years ago and it's had huge ramifications for my life ever since) but we share more than a few of them from what you've said. Support is such a huge thing for someone with any kind of depression and I don't think I could have got through the past 12 year without the help of my husband but you have to be willing to admit that you need help in the first place and that's often the biggest hurdle of them all. You've been very brave to write this post and I salute you for being so brave, I'm not sure I could do it. xx

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    1. Support is vital when living with depression and without it, it's a very difficult fight to battle alone, but it's extremely important to have that network of people around you for those times when you need them. Thank you Thea, it means a lot :)

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  5. I think there are more people like us out there than you'd think Amanda. I struggled in high school with self injury and cutting and bear the scars for it. I tried hard to stay away from it in college and picked up a different vice in its place. I still struggle with the thoughts from time to time and struggle with depression a bit. Life is overwhelming and sometimes it's hard to feel the self worth that we deserve. Thanks for writing this post, I know it was difficult and brave of you to put it out there.

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    1. Thank you Kristen. You're right, life is sometimes overwhelming, but with the right support, it can be easier :)

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  6. I'm really proud of you for being able to write all this down and post it, I know that must have been hard. I feel like I got to know you a lot better through this, I had known some from reading past posts and our emails but not the full extent. I am really happy that you're feeling a lot stronger now, even when you start to feel down. You've gotten through a hell of a lot and you're still dealing with so much, you're clearly a very strong person. I've been depressed in the past but it's usually taken me a very long time to even realise it, it would take reaching a really bad point or something drastic for me to even acknowledge something was wrong. There's a lot of stresses right now that have made me feel very down, but I definitely feel like I am handling it a lot better now. It's nice to know when I am down that I can email you and rant about it and you're always there to listen. I hope you know that I am always here to talk, you never have to pretend like your fine if you're not. I am absolutely terrible at given good advice but I always try my best.

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    1. Thank you hunny. Having a good rant or being able to talk to somebody about the stresses and things happening has been so good, and I couldn't have made it through as I have without your support too, as well as my other friends, so thank you! :)

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  7. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're such a brave and strong individual. The fact that you're not even twenty blows my mind. the way you handle your depression is amazing, it really is. Want to know what I was doing about a year before I was your age? dealing with my own depression and completely throwing myself in to drink because being wasted 5-6 nights out of 7 was much easier than dealing with it or facing my problems. I made life hard for a lot of people, my family mostly, and they were going through a lot too. I regret it, everyday because it's not like me but everyone has their ways of dealing and I'm glad you've finally found your's.

    I have only know you a short time, in fact I started talking to you between November and February I think, and I never knew what you were anything but this cheerful girl who didn't seem to have anything bad to say about anyone and was always happy, because you put on a brave face so well. I hope one day you wont need that second face, and I hope one day you'll be able to see yourself how we do because you're brilliant hun. <3 :)

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    1. I'm sorry you went through that Stacie, it's a difficult thing to admit to, but I'm really glad you have. I'm hoping that not hiding behind a mask will be an option in the future, even just saying goodbye to it forever would be an amazing thing to do, so hopefully, one day, I will. But thank you Stacie, you've supported me a lot just like Charnell and I appreciate it :)

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  8. Oh, girl just writing and talking about it makes you stronger than you know. I can't say I know what your feelings are like, or what you go through, but I know how I feel when it hits me. Like you said for me it's a feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm one of those shy people who bottles it up and it eats and eats at me until I find a way to release it. I would use twizzers it sounds weird, but it did enough. I haven't had those feelings in the past year or so . I'd been living my fiance now husband, and up until til about a month or two ago we were doing good, but he recently got fired,and were living on my paycheck which has 30 or so hours a week. Just yesterday we moved all our stuff back in with his parents. I can feel that thing pulling me back in. The tears want to escape, the need to feel like I'm in control of any part of my life is back. It's a constant battle inside myself and my head.
    I know though that people internet or real life are there for me.

    Know we're here all here for you, and sorry for my long rambling.

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    1. I think in some ways, it doesn't matter what you use or how you hide it, it's that we need to speak out about it more to people we trust to confide in so we don't turn to whatever it is that allows us to pretend it's not there. Long ramblings are good Ashley, I'm so happy I've been able to give confidence to others to speak out in the comments because it really does help, even just for the day, to let go of some of the negativity that's holding on to you, so thank you :)

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  9. Thanks for sharing through your blog with us. I've seen a guest post of yours in the past that dealt with some personal issues, but you definitely went into a lot more detail and opened up much more in this post. I can definitely identify with some of what you've said through my own experiences, and it's great that you feel the community is supportive enough for you to share. We're all here listening and I'm sure we would all agree if you needed to talk we'd be here too.

    R x

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    1. Thank you hunny. I've developed so much faith in the community that I'm more comfortable about speaking out with sensitive subjects like these and it's wonderful to do.

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